Alright everyone, listen up. We’re going to get serious today. I’ve got a migraine the size of Massachusetts thanks to all the buttlickers out there on the roads. Something about rain in Florida makes people let their hair down, shake it all around, and then promptly lose any sense they might have possessed. So, without further do, a lesson in NOT DRIVING LIKE A TWAT, as told by yours truly (that’s me, in case you weren’t sure).
NUMBER ONE: It’s illegal (at least in this “fine” state of Florida) to drive with your hazard lights on. This is expressly written in the ever colorful and highly entertaining chapter 316, section 2397 of the Florida Statutes (part 7 in case you want to fact check me) which states that *drumroll please*:
Flashing lights are prohibited on vehicles except:
(a) As a means of indicating a right or left turn, to change lanes, or to indicate that the vehicle is lawfully stopped or disabled upon the highway;
(b) When a motorist intermittently flashes his or her vehicle’s headlamps at an oncoming vehicle notwithstanding the motorist’s intent for doing so; and
(c) For the lamps authorized under subsections (1), (2), (3), (4), and (9), s. 316.2065, or s. 316.235(5) which may flash.
(8) Subsections (1) and (7) do not apply to police, fire, or authorized emergency vehicles while in the performance of their necessary duties.
(9) Flashing red lights may be used by emergency response vehicles of the Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, the Department of Environmental Protection, and the Department of Health when responding to an emergency in the line of duty.
(10) A violation of this section is a noncriminal traffic infraction, punishable as a nonmoving violation as provided in chapter 318.
None of those, you may notice, includes being a dumb dumb on the interstate when driving in the rain. If you don’t think it’s safe to drive because you cannot see, then by all means pull over on the shoulder, park it, and let your hazard freak flag wave there until the rain lightens up.
NUMBER TWO: It’s illegal to drive in the rain without your lights on. I really don’t understand why this one is so hard to master. Yet, from my rough estimate of my stats from the drivers around myself on the highway in my recent commutes, over 50% of the people out there are numskulls. For those of you not the best with fractions, that’s half. HALF! This includes – but is not limited to – the Sheriff/Deputy in the Sheriff’s Department vehicle that drove for three miles in front of me today in the rain without any lights on (turn them on right meow!). I feel like any cop that can’t follow the law should not be allowed to give me a ticket for not following the law (which I happen to do because 1) I’m not a dummy and 2) I can’t afford a ticket and 3) I’d rather stab a pencil in my ear than have to sit through traffic school)… but I doubt that will hold up in court. Anywho, this is covered by Chapter 316.217 section (b)
(1) Every vehicle operated upon a highway within this state shall display lighted lamps and illuminating devices as herein respectively required for different classes of vehicles, subject to exceptions with respect to parked vehicles, under the following conditions;
(b) During any rain, smoke, or fog.
Just because your car may not think it’s dark enough for lights doesn’t mean it’s right. If you aren’t sure, do us all a favor and just turn them on. K? Thanks, bye.
NUMBER THREE: This is not a law, just a fact of life if you happen to be driving on the road with me. Tailgating me is not going to make me driving any faster (especially when I’m in the right lane, and you got two other lanes of people to go bug who shouldn’t even be driving there! But we’ll get to that in a minute, one thing at a time). In fact, it’s going to make me slow down, because now I have to allow myself more space and time to slow down to make up for the fact that you are far too close to me to be able to stop should something happen on the road in front of us. So do us a favor. Stop riding my ass (it’s not even a very nice one, I swear). Please.
NUMBER FOUR: DON’T DRIVE SLOW IN THE LEFT LANE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. DON’T DO IT! Turns out, this is law too. Also, it may very well be illegal to pass on the right, but this is a little more vague and I’m a little too lazy to keep searching because I know not to do it in the first place. This is covered by 316.083
The following rules shall govern the overtaking and passing of vehicles proceeding in the same direction, subject to those limitations, exceptions, and special rules hereinafter stated:
(1) The driver of a vehicle overtaking another vehicle proceeding in the same direction shall give an appropriate signal as provided for in s. 316.156, shall pass to the left thereof at a safe distance, and shall not again drive to the right side of the roadway until safely clear of the overtaken vehicle. The driver of a vehicle overtaking a bicycle or other nonmotorized vehicle must pass the bicycle or other nonmotorized vehicle at a safe distance of not less than 3 feet between the vehicle and the bicycle or other nonmotorized vehicle.
(2) Except when overtaking and passing on the right is permitted, the driver of an overtaken vehicle shall give way to the right in favor of the overtaking vehicle, on audible signal or upon the visible blinking of the headlamps of the overtaking vehicle if such overtaking is being attempted at nighttime, and shall not increase the speed of his or her vehicle until completely passed by the overtaking vehicle.
NUMBER FIVE: Whether you’re going 9 MPH or 90 MPH, drive on the right and pass on the left. No one, I mean NO ONE, needs to be driving in the left lane of a three lane highway when there isn’t another car around for literally MILES. While this is not perhaps explicitly the law (again, too lazy to dig too deep because I had a long day and, oh yeah, I already know how to drive), it’s once again common sense, even if common sense doesn’t happen to be so common anymore.
P.S. you can stop looking. This is the end of the post today and no, there are no pictures. After all, I said this was going to be serious business today. I thought about doodling some fun diagrams to post, but just drawing out the situations gave me road rage and I scribbled through the cars so angrily it ripped the paper to shreds.
P.P.S. anyone who knows why this post is tagged Super Troopers gets a sticker. Just got to Walmart and pick out anyone you want and if any of those annoying greeters stops and asks you about it, just tell them I said it was okay.